This post is a couple of hours late because I took a holiday. A vacation. A break. Some time off. For almost nine days in a row, no work. That's the longest stretch of real time off I've taken in over a year. And I've lived to tell the tale! I feel like it's my duty to tell you how hard it was to let go of everything (it took a couple of days), how great it was to be free of all of it, and how relaxed and cheerful I am about returning to work today.
Hard: My last 'working day' on the Friday coincided with a very big writing deadline, which I met, but not without some injury to my soul. I felt like I had spent the day trying to dig a ditch through bedrock with my fingernails, with the result that at 5:30, when I tried to go into vacation mode, I was bitchy, headachy, and thoroughly weepy.
- Lesson 1: You can't do a week of work in one day in anticipation of five days off. At least, I can't.
Hard: It was hard to maintain vacation mode when I had a defense to participate in on Monday. (Of course, the defense is harder for the candidate; this is worthy work; I'm glad to do it, it's an honour and a privilege, and it was a great dissertation. Of course.) It was really hard to gussy myself up, go in for three hours and then, again, expect I would be immediately transformed into a blissfully vacationing happy person once the papers were signed. Instead, I got crabby and took a nap.
- Lesson 2: "Switching it off" is not an instantaneous thing. It's less like a light switch ("click!") and more like the garden hose -- first you turn the tap off, then you gravity-drain the hose, then you turn off the valve inside the house, and drain that. There's steps. It takes some time.
Great: From Tuesday on, time expanded, my heart opened up, and I just let everything go. Really: no emails, no NOTHING. We did yard work (new clothes line!), we went in to Toronto to the AGO, we went out for lunches, had naps, planned a barbecue party. I went to three yoga classes, and for many long bike rides, at 9am, even! My life felt qualitatively different: it wasn't just that I wasn't working my full days, it was that I wasn't working at all, and got to be the person I am when I'm not working.
- Lesson 3: When you go on vacation, don't even work for 30 minutes a day, because you don't really get the benefits of letting it all go. Doing less academic work is work to rule; doing no academic work is a vacation.
Relaxing: We threw a party on Saturday. An outdoor party, with adults and kids. All day it threatened rain. People RSVP'ed late. I felt, though, remarkably zen about the whole thing: I can't control the weather, and we can just move inside! People will come, or they won't! More sweet potato fries on the grill for me! And it was awesome. I'm not laid back like that about work. But maybe I should learn to be a little less ... clenchy. Because relaxed felt pretty nice, and worked out awfully well.
- Lesson 4: Work exacerbates my control-freak tendencies in ways that don't contribute to either my happiness or my effectiveness. Might need to rethink some stuff ...
Cheerful: So here it is, Monday. I've got some more writing to do, some committee stuff in my inbox, another dissertation on my desk. I'm kind of looking forward to getting at it. After all, I really do enjoy my work. I feel like I've got a bit of balance back, and I feel a lot less resentful, angry, and overwhelmed, the way I was getting to feel after this very intense year I've had. That's good news.
So. I did it. I took the whole week off, and puttered around my house and my city, spending time with my husband, taking it easy. And I feel fantastic now.
- Lesson 5: Draw your own conclusions on holidays here ... Do you have a great holiday story you want to leave in the comments?