I feel that. Like some of my cobloggers, I've had to back away from social media a little bit because it was filling my head with too much despair (ok, really, I deleted Facebook from my phone a week ago and now can't seem to redownload it, so not all of this distancing has been by choice...). And how can I reasonably focus on writing about dream interpretation practices in the late fifteenth century when the mothers of fourteen-year-old girls are being deported? (speaking of dreams...I hope you all read Lily Cho's beautiful post from yesterday)
But who am I kidding, I haven't even been trying to work on my own stuff. I've been teaching three classes, all entirely new prep, and continuing to apply for jobs. Dealing with the emotional toll of continuing not to have any idea where we'll be next year, even which country, requires quite a bit of scheduled downtime---reliance on friends, intentional social or cultural outings, TV ok. I simply can't work 12 hours a day like I used to...and nor, of course, do I think anyone should.
I don't feel like I'm doing much right at all these days, I thought to myself as I tried to brew up an inspirational post for this esteemed blog. I've been teaching well, and even getting liiiiife from teaching, but by this point I've settled into enough of a routine that I have no major streaks of inspiration to write about. I can't blog about the job market, except to say that, uhh, I'm still on it. I keep meaning to do more yoga, more meditation, more blogging, more (or any) creative art projects, more leisure reading, more protest-y things. All of these mores that accumulate and weigh on my psyche, making me feel unaccomplished and worthless. Maybe you've been feeling that way too.
So I guess I'm back to that classic lesson about the good enough professor - maybe mediocrity, or less-than-perfectionism, is sometimes okay. For me, now, this means simply accepting that what I'm already doing is good enough, and recognizing and honouring the things that are going well. I may never be able to do a handstand at yoga, but at least I'm there, wildly kicking my feet in the air and spending some meditative time in my own head. I've been prepared for all my classes, getting the grading done in a reasonable amount of time, submitting applications, and cultivating some meaningful relationships. And I've been doing what I can to resist political normalization, aiming for one Thing a day, big or small. Sometimes that can just be sending a friend a text to see how they're doing.
Paradoxically, if I accept that I'm already good enough, an unintentional side-effect might emerge of becoming better. Wallowing in guilt and productivity FOMO doesn't get us anywhere; it fills us so full of self-hatred that we keep refreshing Twitter or pressing snooze. So being realistic about goals and grateful for the opportunities and achievements that naturally unfold throughout the daily realities of life might just boost my spirits enough to help me find time for more of the things whose absence I've been ruing.
Something that's rarely mentioned when self-care strategies are discussed is that self-care can actually help you become more intentional about taking action in other areas, perhaps without you even realizing it. It helps you become more grateful, a better person. I hate to hover near the productivist argument that being kind to yourself will help you become more efficient, but...it's true? Or, at least, it will help you better identify and reward the tasks and hurdles you are completing, to realize a more concrete schedule that will allow time for care, time for work, time for protest. Again, I don't think becoming better should necessarily be the goal--because then you're caught back in the trap of unreasonable expectations and disappointments. Perhaps embracing mediocrity can also count as a form of resistance against it.
And I want to echo some of the thoughts of Margeaux Feldman's post about the Women's March and intersectionality. Just as we need to struggle through our mistakes to land at a more inclusive movement, we need to fight against our tendency to judge others on their chosen mode of resistance. To be sure, everyone should be resisting in some way. I am not okay with apathy or wait-and-see-ism, not while people are being deported (to our Canadian readers: you too can make phone calls! You too can be vigilant against injustice! Surely I don't need to cite certain recent events to underscore this point). The time to wait and see has long passed if it ever existed in the first place. But for those of us who are stretching ourselves to make a difference, I echo the words of this smart post by Mirah Curzer:
The movement works as a coalition of people focused on different issues, so don’t let anyone convince you that by focusing your energy on one or two issues, you have effectively sided with the bad guys on everything else. Ignore people who say things like, 'you’re not a real feminist if you aren’t working to protect the environment' or 'you’re betraying the cause of economic justice if you don’t show up for prison reform.'That’s all nonsense. There is a spectrum of support, and nobody can be everywhere at once.Focusing on the things where you have leverage and the possibility of shifting policy (even at a local level) requires not getting involved in everything. And we all make our choices and don't owe the world our reasoning--if you're out at a protest and you see your friend posted an Instagram of her cat at home, try not to jump straight to the conclusion that she must not care enough to come out; perhaps she was feeling fatigued and is focusing her energies elsewhere.
Be kind to yourselves and each other, readers! And thank yourself for the awesome humans you are, fighting for manifold worthy causes during a difficult and uncertain time. In sum, this blog might not be the best blog I've ever written, but I'm happy to have pushed past my uncertainty to produce something. And this counts for my daily Thing right? :) Thanks for reading.
|Thanks to Christopher Michael Roman for this timely image share.|